So Much Time
I've started to freak out a little bit.
Not freak out in a bad way, just going a little crazy being at home.
It's the beginning of July and I have a lot to do, but at the same time absolutely nothing to do.
And over the past few weeks I've been in a really heavy creative block, which I through from time to time. For me, it's I either continuously make stuff and write and work on stuff all day every day, or I take a break to sit back and enjoy life in the now and get out of cycle.
At this point, I've fallen really out of cycle.
So rewind a little bit. It's the second week of June and I move home.
I pack literally my entire life up, put it in a storage unit in Chicago, get on a plane and come home.
Back to "reality".
And there's an importance of those quotes around reality, because to me, being at school and living in the city was an entire different life to me. When I moved back home, I kept thinking to myself that home was reality. It's where I grew up, it's where my high school friends all are, it's where serafina would be, it's my home base and the base level of reality.
But being home for one month has opened my eyes to real reality. And it showed me that reality here, in a small town called Danvers Massachusetts is really far from my real life reality.
That part is going to be hard to explain because i personally don't even understand my train of thought when it comes to concluding things like that, but I guess I'll try.
Going to school this past year, well, last year, was hands down the best thing to ever happen to me. It was college. But it was me on my own.
I got thrown into a city of two million people and into a school with twenty five thousand other kids. I lived in a rectangular dorm room with another person who over time became a life long best friend of mine, i had no friends in the beginning and hundreds at the end.
Every day at school I had something to do. Sometimes lots of school work, other times we would be designing stuff and working on new projects or interning at this store doing creative work.
You get the point, we lived fast and we slept four hours a night whenever we could squeeze it in. Life was quick and life was productive. It's how we all worked best.
So i go home.
And everything went into slow motion.
And looking back on it, the first two weeks were beautiful.
I was home for probably two days before Serafina, she was off in Ibiza for our friend Sofia's birthday party.
I hungout, got my bearings back, slept in my real bed, saw my family, ran into some friends, then got serafina at the airport.
And I don't know if you know Serafina, but that's my best friend in the entire world.
Like the only person that knows every single thing about me, the only person I trust with everything ever, and just my safe haven.
She had moved home from new york, I was back from chicago, and we just wanted to put our phones away and enjoy home.
So we did.
She lives in this really pretty small town called Newburyport, only like twenty minutes from me.
As a few days went by, I was living there too.
We spent two weeks together, every minute of every day. I would wake up early to her shaking me in bed yelling "come on we have stuff to do"
or some mornings we'd sleep a little late and she'd give me the daily "ok so what are going to do todayyyy"
I'm going to write an entire piece about our two weeks and all of that, so I won't go too into detail here.
But it was amazing. We're kind of dating. And I really really like her.
And in those two weeks, everything felt so right. Everything I'd do, she was by my side. We were eachothers' hype men and biggest fans. There for eachother through all of it.
And not much got done over those two weeks. Because that was the point of them. We had fifteen days to enjoy, then she was moving to Italy and I had to go back to being alone.
The time went by and we laughed and we drove and we listened to everything from blink 182 to Magnolia and we smiled and we lived.
But then Serafina packed all her stuff into one suitcase and moved to Italy for five weeks to go take a class on fashion.
And I'm lonely at home.
This has turned into me just being sad over time because everything I do i keep saying I wish she was by my side, but I guess alone time never hurt anyone.
But that's what it is, there's so much alone time.
My mom is in Miami and I live in this entire house by myself.
I wake up every morning and I make my bed, and truthfully I have nothing to do.
There's never anything on the agenda.
I don't have my best friend Trey or my roommate Mitchell going "come on dude, we have fifteen things to do before sunset then two clubs to be at before 5am" like it just isn't the case.
I wake up and sit outside and read books and drink coffee and listen to the birds.
One day I designed the AMERICAN TEEN collection, but it wasn't even as fun as it should have been because Trey was the one in Chicago who got it all manufactured and he shot the look book and stuff.
Which is awesome because he worked so hard and brought the project to life without me even there guiding him.
But that's exactly it.
I have nothing to do, no projects to work on, I'm just wasting time sitting at home.
Yeah i hangout with my friends from high school and we laugh a lot and joke through the night but I feel like i'm just wasting time.
I've been so out of touch with my creativity and my writing that im so stuck in this creative block and it's so sad because I had so many plans for summer like I wanted to write every single day and document everything I've just been un motivated because I'm not around people 24/7 and Serafina is across the world and my friends at home all work regular jobs all day and I don't have time nor do I ever want to spend my summer working a regular job and i'm just kind of stuck sitting here typing this wondering what the point of all of this is.
I think I just wanted to talk to someone who understands and who listens to me.
I have so many plans for this year and for the brand and for how I want to expand everything I just can't make any of them happen here in my small town.
And I make it sound like I've done nothing since being home , but like when it comes to productivity, going to big parties in my local area every night is amazing and fun but it's doing nothing to help me grow creatively.
And yes, it's very fun hanging out in beautiful houses on the beach and riding on big boats and doing summer in Massachusetts but I just need to find a way to do more.
But at the same time, I'm not going too crazy yet because I keep stepping back and saying
"wow, this really is how summer should be".
And I guess that's it.
Because if I was in the city I would probably wish I was partying at a beach house in massachusetts and when i'm home I'm wishing i was in the city somewhere.
I just wanted to write all of this down to see how my brain is formulating all of it.
I'm happy, I'm just figuring out how to be happier.
I need to learn more and share more. More books and more writing.
It's hard to not get caught up in doing nothing all day.
I just wish I was fifteen again at sleepover camp all summer.
I really do.
That was the best time of my life.
I can't wait to move back to chicago in august. I got an apartment with all my friends.
We're just going to use it as a creative space.
There's so much nice natural lighting and all my friends living there are self driven and uniquely cool and creative and it's going to push me to do the most I possibly can.
But until then I'm just sitting on my deck listening to the birds figuring out how to be the happiest I can be.
And i'm in a really different place than a lot of people who just went home from their first year of college because most people work all day every day and try to make money for the college year but i've been moving around and I'm going back to school soon so I don't have time to get a job and truthfully there's nothing I could do around here that would be a positive investment of my time because I don't care about money at all I just want to learn and gain expereince so I can grow mentally.
I don't know what I'm getting at here.
I've lost touch with my writing voice.
Now I'm just sitting here like wow,
So much time, so little to do.
I think i'm going to buy a flight to italy next week and go see serafina.
I'll get a one way flight and just come home whenever I'm done over there.
I want to go see my friends in london.
I want to get out of this small town and just go by myself and see where life can take me.
I want to get new ideas for new clothes to make and I want to take photographs and drink more water and just smile.
I'm going to write this piece about me and serafina, hopefully tonight, because our two weeks together brought so much happiness to both of us. It almost seems like I won't be able to express how everything felt, but it felt so right. And I have a bunch of other things I want to write about.
Literally every day whenever I do anything I think to myself "wow i should write about that" but I just never sit down and find the time to do it. But now that I've spend 30 minutes writing this I feel like I can jump back in. I found my old writing playlist.
I've been playing it while the birds fly around me. Sitting outside.
It's warm out. The grass is really nice and the sky is always so blue.
Like a genuine blue.
A really calm blue and the houses around me are all small and have their own unique pretty color to them. Everyone has white fences. I do too. it's suburbia, but it's relaxing.
It doesn't really rain here. Like ever.
And everyone here does the same thing over and over again.
Every day. They're on routine.
I don't know anyone who makes anything.
A lot of people worry about money.
But it's so weird to me, because money is such a funny thing to me, it's like me and my friends all make money but put it back into life, but these people seem to make money and do nothing with it.
Like no one in my town has desires to leave.
It's so weird.
But I can never write much about that because I love everyone here and they're my friends and stuff but they just have no desire to go out and start their lives.
And it freaks me out because I can tell that 99% of them are going to leave state colleges and work in a town close to the one we grew up in, doing the same thing their parents do and just stay around here forever.
For me, this is probably the last month I ever spend here because my real life is waiting for me elsewhere. The city is moving and I'm a product of it. But this town is stayed put and I'm just an accessory to it.
A lot of people don't get it.
Their motivation is just different than mine. They all are motivated in their own sense, it's just completely not what my life is like.
And everyone still cares about their local egos. Like bro we all went to college why are you still worrying about what people think of you?
Do you really need to throw a party to feel high-school-cool-again?
I don't know.
I really do love everyone I'm friends with at home.
But they're just doing different stuff.
And a lot of them may never leave Massachusetts.
And that's just crazy to me because the first chance I got to get out, I took it in a heart beat.
But everyone's differnet. And that's what's cool about life.
I'm not making much sense, and I'm just writing whatever is coming to my mind. We've bounced around a lot in this piece. But my brain is all around. And maybe I do just need to sit back and enjoy summer and do nothing and relax. I don't know.
I only listen to piano music. It's kind of weird. Well, when i'm alone. I can't play but maybe I could learn.
I wish my friends wanted to play frisbee with me.
I gotta go clean my room.
My mom told me she wants to sell our house and move.
I'm going to be donating a lot of things and a lot of clothes that I don't wear anymore.
I need to think of a way to make it fun.
And I have to ship stuff out.
If you're still reading go look at the 3 cool new things we made for the 4th.
I love them. I hope you do too.
Also being home made me remember that there's a lot of cool things I want to show you and tell you about, whoever you are that reads this.
I just think that there's a lot of things about my younger life that really did make me who I am today and a lot of people that look up to the brand and stuff are younger and I just want to share what it was like to grow up in this small town and what it was like to learn that I needed to get out. I hope everyone gets out eventually. One day. Because staying local puts you in a vicious cycle in life and I've sen it so so so first hand and it's scary because the entire world is out there moving around and shifting in culture and so many people are creating things and working to make sure they're the best version of themselves, and I just don't see much of that here.
Ok, my room is really messy.
It was really nice to see fireworks the other night.
But I really wish serafina was there next to me to see them too.
I really really like her. And her and I found out the importance of The Pink House.
But I'm going to talk about all of that later on.
I want to write a short story, like a book kind of.
I want it to have characters I make up.
I just haven't met them in my head yet.
I really want to, but I think to be a better writer I need to read more stories and experience what it's like to meet characters.
You know what I mean? Writing these are cool because there really are people that read them. Like you right now, you've gotten to the end of this one, and you've just listened to me kind of freak out about life. I guess this post had a lot of turning points and fluctuations in how I felt. But most of you reading this don't know me in real life, yet you read this with a voice in your head that you made up that you think I would sound like.
I'm a character of your imagination, but I'm a real person, so it's like oh you already know who I'm talking about and what I'm referring to where as when I make these characters and find a way to bring them to life, they'll be imagined by each and every person differently. Just like how I imagine Pudge and Alaska to be in Looking For Alaska.
Stories are amazing to read because whoever is writing them just tells it how it is, and you as a reader use your imagination and take the imagery they give you and paint the picture in your own head.
As you are as you read this exact line.
Like now I'm basically talking directly to you, whoever you are.
That's the coolest thing about writing. And I hope that you enjoy that as a reader. And I hope that one day you can play piano music and write to people too, and make your own voice and characters and plot and story and emotions.
I think a lot of people think of me differently than who I am.
And that's kind of a bad part about the internet.
Because let me tell you, every single person you look up to on the internet is similar in that they all are different on line than in their real feelings.
Everyone online has a side to them that is a deep-routed version of leadership in a sense that we all know a lot about eachother and we know a lot about this "game" of the internet we play and we know how to make ourselves look a certain way and we know how to formulate what we publically say but that's all for the image.
I'm not here to get too into that. But that's how it is.
And maybe online me and my friends or whoever, we all look like we travel the world and make clothes and party all day or whatever, or maybe we look like mean people who would never talk about their lives.
But it's not the case. It's really just that most people don't have a platform to express themselves.
Luckily, I do. And I don't worry about who does and who doesn't read what I put out there because I know that people that don't care about who I really am simply wouldn't understand any of this and they wouldn't learn from it and it wouldn't help them grow or think, they'd probably say "wow this kid is a loser he blogs" or something along those lines but I have this platform to talk on and that's so cool to me because I always always wrote about my life when I was fifteen and sixteen, I just never had anyone to tell it to.
And an even cooler thing is that when I was fifteen and sixteen I always wished I had people that would write that I could listen to.
Because we're friends at this point, you and me, whoever you are.
You've read an entire story about me rant from the second you opened the page.
You listen to my precieved voice in your head when you read this line and you really do know more about me from this post than most of my high school friends know about me in general. But that's becasue this platform allows me to express myself beyond the top layer.
I can't just meet someone at a party and tell them all of this. I'd never want to. Because most times kids I meet at parties don't care about this type of stuff. I don't know who cares about this type of stuff but if it's only one single person, that's good enough for me. I know it's a few more, but you get the gist.
The thumbnail photo for this is a Pantone Pink and a Pantone Blue color swatch. I love the two together. It reminds me of the perfect moment when the sun is setting and day is turning into night, with two feet in the sand ten feet off the shore at the beach looking out into the horizon with the cotton candy skies on each side of you. Like serafina and I did on our last night together before she left.
I've gotten out of the writing block and I found my voice again.
I don't know at what point it came back, I think it was like midway through the post.
I really just want to share my life with people.
I always wanted people to just understand who we are beyond what they see online,
But all in all......
I've started to freak out a little bit.
Not freak out in a bad way, just going a little crazy being at home.