The Fundamentals Of Caring
Like all of these entires i seem to make. I never know where to start. It's like I tell the story in my head over and over, and it just makes sense. I mean, it never truly had an ending until we wrote one. but the ending was just one of those cliffhangers at the end of each movie. No one tells you that there's going to be a sequel. But for a while, I didn't think there would be a sequel, either. But we found the exact words to write and finished the last novel perfectly. As if the words danced page by page. A quick read, one that takes you four sittings. Because that's all it took us. Four times in this world and four nights with one another. To teach me the Fundamentals Of Caring.
So by now you know there's no book. I certainly wish I had written one for you, and maybe one day if i get an extra minute, i'll tap into my memory and dig out the stories of wonders and emotions and jot them down for you. But i'll at least give the nutshell of the plot.
So around a year ago, i had been taking photos for all my friends in Boston who made music. They're the type of kids that make music, for, well, the teenage demographic. Nothing you'll hear in a club. Nothing you're listening to with Yachty on (or anywhere near) it. I would go to all the shows and shoot photos because all these guys were my friends. Through them, I learned the idea of a fan. It's a crazy three letter word and i'm not even going to get into it now because that's for a psychological chapter in itself, but maybe later. I would see so many familiar faces and such from show to show and since I was with the kids all these girls looked up to, giving them content to enjoy, they just gravitated their energy for me. I met a bunch of people in that time span of a few months, one being this girl whom I never thought I would find an importance for. Her name was Allie and she was always very very hectic. As hypermanaged as I am (that's not a word but I like it) but not as.... she didn't do too too much but she knew a lot of people. Her and I were talking one night, and this was right in the beginning of OHKAY when I had first made clothes. She was like oh yo I really like your ideas like you're doing great, i showed them to some kids I know and they like them too. You should send them a shirt or something she used to say to me. I never really liked the idea of me just giving stuff out to people with followings that i don't know because that kind of ruins the reputation of the brand because then it forcefully markets to a demographic that probably doesn't even like the idea of your creation, they just like it because they saw their favorite internet boy wearing it. so i did my investigation got a few phone numbers talked to some people didn't really get responses whatever like i was busy they were busy never got around to it said thanks Allie kind of put that in the back burner moved on but one night the girl Allie was like Chris this girl thinks you're cool and i'm all seventeen years old designing stuff on my computer opening twitter here and there thinking about what to post on instagram and i'm like oh tell her to get in touch with me or something so Allie sends me her account and i'm like oh this girl is so cool looking she's into fashion she had her turtle dove Yeezy boosts before yeezys weren't cool anymore, she had a nice theme to her instagram, beautiful looking girl. but i'm like this girl has half a million followers allie like why would she hit me up.
phone beeps a few hours later
twitter DM from this girl Allie and I had been talking about
"Marry me" it said
i'm like what is going on who is this so her and i talk via twitter for a while. i think it was like two days or something. this was back in 2015 during the beginning of my senior year of highschool. she was a junior and it turns out she lived incredibly far away. like across the country.
we talked and talked and moved to texting and eventually i was just bored and decided to facetime her and we talked and talked for hours that first night
like about life
i couldn't tell you what we talked on because at that point i was just so interested and we were so fresh to one another that when we traded stories you could have written entire series on just the background to our lives.
she was the prettiest girl. and i guess i liked her so much because she listened. and yeah at this point, it's weird, i meet random girl on twitter and actually go home at night excited to facetime her. but that's how it was. every night for hours
what'd you do today we would ask eachother
we would share everything. every project i had been working on or everything she was doing and making like we would just fill eachother in and for a while it seemed so crazy to me like wow this girl means a lot to me but all i know of her is that she's behind a screen.
I guess her and Allie were best friends. Allie was 21 at the time and still into the idea of being a fan. Not anymore, Allie is all different now off in Miami doing her thing but at the time she was a fan of this world i hadn't known about, but i knew had rotated.
So fast forward time a few months.
It's cold now. It's christmas break.
Hudson and I are the absolute best of friends at this point. Hudson wanted to go somewhere, we went. I wanted something done. We do it. That's how it was. It was just go go go moves moves moves.
I was in new york one night and it was right before new years. I had been texting her every day, like we had always been doing. We just kept in touch. Even though our time zones were different, we just liked the comfort of touching base with one another.
I told Hudson i might had wanted to stay in New York for new years, which would have extended my trip a few days. "I think you should just come home bro we'll party or whatever that night"
so i did, i came home on time.
Her plan was to spend new years in some city, i don't even remember which. I just knew she was flying somewhere within the day or two. Fast Forward a bit.
I was asleep in my room one day, napping as the sun set early. Winter vibes, as always.
"What bro i'm asleep"
- "no dude wake up you promised me you'd go with me to Barney's to swap sizes for these pants I just got"
"I said what?"
- "just get up bro, i'll be there in 30"
*a big sigh let out*
I put my pants on and two hoodies and a coat. Boston was a cold place. Hudson picks me up in his Yaris and we make our way to Boston.
We were walking to Barney's. If you know Boston, you know the Prudential building. A really big pretty mall-esque place with stores and stuff. To get from one building to the other is a sky walk that is basically a two lane walk way over the main street in town.
We were walking in that thing, i had my head buried in my phone.
"yo check this out" he says to me as my head unglues from the LCD by my waste. I look at him on my left and he was taking a video of me.
i looked up and right infront of me was this girl
Allie right behind her
just standing there smiling
i guess at this point i can tell you her name. This is just the background story to the story.
But this is Tina Woods.
Some cute girl who was i guess super popular on vine and stuff and she had some millions of followers and fans and stuff.
this girl from the INTERNET was sitting next to me at dinner.
We joked for a while about how crazy it was that they planned all of this without me even knowing. Tina only knew Hudson through me. Allie joined us for dinner but quickly after that left us because some drame happened.
Long story short here, Tina spent the weekend at my house. With me. And hudson. And serafina. New Years was all together. It was when the Gang became the Gang. And Gang is forever. No matter what.
Tina and I were younger. I guess it was just the weirder phases to the intro to the book. We knew we had liked the idea of one another, but we just didn't know how to unifyingly showcase all of it.
She left that weekend, and I guess it was a weird goodbye. We spent our last night listening to our favorite mix, not sleeping.
When time is limited like that, the only thing we found ourselves doing was laying on the couch, looking up at the cieling, knowing that everything we do at that point only makes us more into eachother but the world would just be pulling us apart when she walks back into the airport.
so that chapter was left unfinished.
and we talked very single day and every single night of January.
It was the end of the beginning, the last week in january and i was turning 18. We had a plan to spend it as a Gang.
We rented out a beautiful hotel room in New York and Tina flew in for the occasion. It was beautiful.
We just did Partying In New York as I turned 18.
Then the weekend ended and time went on.
For some reason the communication got tough
I was so so busy with the real world and doing stuff every minute of my life that I didn't focus on the world that was behind the screen. For some reason, and i still don't know to this day, we kind of stopped talking.
We all belong to this, well, for the sake of private identities and stuff, we belong to this secret forum. A world where everyone involved knows everyone, and we all go by certain names that match to our faces and tell incredible stories but the community itself is tight knit and everyone knows everyhing about everyone. So we kept up on there. I guess we watched each other's every move. She had 'dropped off the face of the earth' as she calls it, but only for a bit. She wasn't posting stuff to the real world, but the novels were there to read in the private sector. I kept up but things were going weird in my life and things were in different directions in her life so i think we watched from afar.
we both found ourselves partially happy with other people. i mean that's meant to happen. when you live a three hour flight away from someone, you can't tie your emotions down and just say no i won't find happiness at home because it's bottled up behind the screen of my computer.
so we were ourselves, seperated but together. i would see her in the forum world and i would always say hi. we'd subliminally talk from time to time.
but then we stopped for months.
until one night we had texted one another
i think i told her how much i had missed her
she told me she was coming back to boston one last time before i go off to school
my heart lit up
now if you know me, you know that i've just been forever emotionally unavailable. I guess I got that mindset from hanging out with Ian Connor but it was just when i would hangout with girl and girl again and i just wouldn't find the true emotions for them. i never liked any girl. no girl in this world fit as my side kick. and i am not here to play with anyones emotions on my own time, so i gave up on girls thinking that i'd find someone in college hopefully.
but the world taught me that there is no need
we're this far in the story chris ! tell us what happens!
I know, i'm working on it. I just like to give background because if you dont know the backing to this, it's just weird and it sounds like i love some girl i met in the DMs. But it's so much more than that.
So Tina flew in, four days ago today. I picked her up at the airport at nine and we headed to my friend's house.
My friend Joel has one of the nicest apartments in Boston. His parents hooked us (as a gang) up with this beautiful multi million dollar view apartment on floor 38 of a tower in Boston.
The perfect place to fall in love.
So tina and i went there and we spent our first night staying on some blow up mattress.
It just all made sense. Now, a year later, we were mature. I knew everything about her just by looking her in the eyes. Things were just perfect. In every day.
We spent the next three days together. Didn't leave eachother's side. Knowing that every minute was closer to our last. Just like the firs time, on the couch before the flight. playing Mac Demarco on a loop.
It was so much more beautiful and sad than the words sound.
but we just like clicked.
my life made sense.
and i'm not going to tell you all the cute lovey-dovey stuff because you don't want to read about that.
and there's pre-teen girls who look up to tina that probably think her kissing a boy is the biggest thing to happen to her.
but i guess i'm just here to describe what it all meant to me
to finally fine emotions
and to go on a date
and to hold her hand when we walked
and kiss in between plans
and nightly brushies together (don't ever forget your nightly brushies)
and just the idea of love
and caring about someone
and how they're doing
and what they're up to
because yesterday morning we woke up at 8am and listened to our sad songs
and we lived through the hour of getting ready where we would look at eachother and our stomach would sink because as we looked into each other's eyes it was just so sad to think that a plane ticket was about to seperate us for months
and she walked into my room and asked me what i thought about her staying longer
i didnt think you could just change flights like that
but i guess you can do anything with American Airlines
so Tina moved her flight 24 hours and we bought ourselves some time
and we used it to our fullest potential
we spent every single minute smiling
and laughing at our inside jokes
and cuddling and doing stuff that happy people do
because for the first time in my entire life
through all the girls i've met and every person i've encountered
i had found the one girl who had made me happy
and i found the one relationship that i could see lasting this lifetime
and we talked and we sang and we kissed and all of that
and it sounds so weird for even me to say it
but in those moments we were in love
and those were the happiest moments of my entire life
no matter what happens in life
that was the best four days of my life
because we did nothing
we didnt travel we didnt make moves we just spend time
with one another
and it meant so much
and as the clock started to strike everything became so real
that in four days i coulf fall in love with a girl
and her smile
and her laugh
and everything about her
and we talked about how cool it would be to get married
and live with our few friends
and just be us
she wants to move to Santa Moinca
but she'd tell you it's whatever my heart desires
you know me, down for whatever
but she taught me something real
and that's the fundamentals of caring
and it's the idea that even if you don't live in the same town
or the same city
or the same state
you can still fall in love
and you can still care about anything and everything someone is doing
just knowing that they're somewhere thinking about you
because you need to find that
you need to find love
i don't care if you're a teenage boy or an adult girl this or that
you just need to find it
and you can't go looking
i used to look all the time
i used to just hangout with local girls because i had hoped one of them would remind me of something i loved
but they never knew how to reach my emotions
even when i dug down and looked
but with tina it's just real
it's just happy
and that's something i'll never be able to say again
because in those moments
we really were infinite
and through it all
i guess i have no moral for you
but this morning i dropped tina off at the airport
and the rest of my day was just lonely
because i would look right in the car and she wasn't there
and i did stuff by myself
and i had just fallen so in love with the idea that i was happy with such an amazing person for four days that the world seemed like it was in the palm of my hand
so she's back in Texas now
and i'm sleeping alone again
like i always used to
and i got into my bed
and i was just really upset
like the i want to get up and call her and just hear her voice sad
and i said to myself
i need to write about it
because if i don't know
i won't ever
because that's how i learned that my brain works
if you want to remember someting in its' prime form
you put on piano music and you type for an hour
about who knows what
but you just let the brain flow and the fingers do the work
and the nose of the Mac keyboard kind of overwrites the soundtrack playing
but it's ok
because the entire time i just thought of how happy we were this wekend
and how for once in my life
i actually can say
i found a love for someone
And she taught me to care
And she taught me why couples smile so much
and it sucks because i won't see her for 107 more days
but when we do see eachother
it will be perfect
and i'm sure by then, you'll be just as excited to read about it as i will be to write about it
and i always promised her i would write about us
just like she did too
but in her real journals
where my ideas land sometimes
but i would rather them be here for you to read if you're digging for them
i know you didn't expect ohkaychris to get emotional
i guess i didn't either
but there really is something magical
about falling in love
with the girl